I haven’t really posted much about my birth experience, but have slowly started talking more about it with close friends. Some may think “it’s not as bad as it could’ve been” but it was pretty traumatic and emotional for me.
Miles was born at 38 and 3 days which is technically full term. I was due to be induced at 39 weeks due to how he was measuring. I was going to NST (nonstress test) appointments to monitor my blood pressure and Miles movement as I had a hard time feeling him throughout my pregnancy. Twice during those appointments his heart rate dropped. The first appointment was because he wasn’t moving so they stimulated him with this thing that makes a vibration – he did not like it – and his heart rate dropped. The next was the day I ended up being induced and it was when I had a contraction – doctor cleared me to go home without further monitoring but because of my blood pressure and his heart rate drop I was told to go to L&D if I felt certain symptoms or he didn’t move.
Luckily my mom had already flown to California to be there for Dennis and i when the baby was born. She made us dinner and during dinner I started to feel “off.” I was dizzy, hot, nauseous and just didn’t feel ok. I drank some water and went to lay down. I tried for an hour to fall asleep but just felt worse. I called for Dennis to get me the blood pressure cuff and I can’t remember exactly what it was but it was higher than what they told me to go to L&D for.
My mom was the one to go with me, so Dennis could get a bit of sleep. We all thought they’d give me some fluids and send me home. I got to the hospital at 8:50 pm and was in the triage area by 9:00 pm. I was monitored for 2 hours (my blood pressure never truly stabilized and Miles heart rate was off during the contractions – that I honestly thought was just him moving) before the nurse came around the curtain and said “so your doctor wants to induce you”. I was in shock and I think my mom was too. The nurse started talking and I stopped her by saying, “can we call my husband before he falls asleep”.
I started signing papers and was still in a bit of shock. My mom went to pick up Dennis so we didn’t have multiple cars at the hospital (and so he wasn’t driving tired). By the time they got back I was in a room and about ready to start the induction process as it hit midnight – Friday the 13th of January. They gave me a medication orally to try to start labor – I was 1.5 cm dilated at that time. Within an hour of that dose, I began having contractions every 3-5 minutes. With each contraction Miles heart rate would drop and a nurse would come in to reposition me to get him back on the monitor.
To say it was a long night was an understatement. The contractions just felt like he was rolling around but the nurses coming in kept me up pretty much all night. At about 6 am I would say, I “fell asleep”. I was delusional and could barely keep my eyes open as they continued to come in and try to keep him on the monitor.
7 am. 4 nurses come in followed by one of my OBGYN doctors. I’m half asleep but confused why my doctor is there. She starts talking about options and I look over at Dennis who is half asleep and say “can we wake him up” and “what do you mean”. She says she doesn’t know how many days of this process Miles can take and that I’m still only 1.5 cm. I’m trying to process what’s going on and asked for 5 minutes to decide. There was no decision, I wanted my baby safe. So Dennis and I just looked at each other and agreed quite easily on the c section.
Within 20 minutes I’m was walking to the operating room. Dennis was wearing this dorky outfit that made me smile. I was prepped for surgery, which was emotional in itself. I had a panic attack and was told by the anesthesiologist that I needed to stop crying because Miles needed the oxygen. Within seconds of that Dennis walked in the room and it was baby time.
What seemed very quick was the anesthesiologist saying “okay dad get your phone ready to take a picture”. Dennis fumbled for his phone as we didn’t expect it to take that little time.
8:54 am. The next thing I knew I was looking at my sweet baby boy through the little window blocking us from seeing the surgery. Too quickly they took Miles away from the screen and started cleaning him up. I had no idea what was going on. I panicked. Dennis was called over to take a picture of him. I still don’t remember much of what happened. I was scared and confused and kept asking Dennis what was going on. They said “we’re taking him to the NICU”. Dennis and I looked at each other and I said what we had already talked about “go”. Dennis was to stay with the baby.
The next 13-14 hours were agonizing. I couldn’t go to the NICU until I could stand up and transfer into a wheelchair. My mom kept telling me to sleep while I could, but I was too emotionally wired to. Dennis would go back and forth between the NICU (which was on a different level) and my recovery room. Finally, just after 12:30 am, I was able to go up to see my baby. We couldn’t hold him, but we both just watched him. Smiling. Looking at our perfect little boy despite all the wires and machines.
I will say despite the anxiety over those days until Miles and I were discharged on January 17, we got lucky. Miles was only in the NICU for 4 days and I was able to stay in the hospital for those 4 days as well. He never got to be in the room with us. I didn’t get to hold him at birth. Dennis didn’t get to cut the umbilical cord. It wasn’t anything like we thought it would be.
Miles is 8 months old now, and I love him so much. Some days it is still hard when my thoughts drift to the things we missed. To the nurse who made me feel less then. There were amazing nurses who cared for him, but I still feel like I missed out, as I’m sure many NICU moms can relate to.
I don’t know why I’m writing this. I don’t know if I’ll post it. I feel like it isn’t talked about enough, when the birth of your baby is challenging. I am so lucky that I have my baby with me. I do still feel like I missed out on some things though.
Adventures by Begley 